How to Focus on Your Goals When You Can't Control the Outcome
My Peloton instructor said it mid-climb, calm as anything: “Release your death grip.” π¬
He was talking about the handlebars. My mind went straight to my mom.
She’s in her 90s, living in a skilled nursing facility now. I’m her medical power of attorney, her advocate, her daughter — a whole plane ride away. And somewhere in the complexity of that role, I catch myself time and time again: death-gripping her story. The way it should go. The ending I need it to have.
My head locks in on how “she should” focus on what’s going right instead of wrong — why can’t she see it the way I do? I find myself wanting to rewrite her experience into something more positive, more peaceful, more the way I’d want it for myself in life’s final chapter.
If I were holding handlebars right now, you’d see my knuckles white.
And underneath every single one of those shoulds is the same thing: my head trying to control something I was never meant to control. Because the truth — the one my heart knows even when my head won’t quit — is that she’s already living her story perfectly for her soul. She’s the hero, and it’s her ending to create with her Creator. Who died and made me God? No one, thank goodness. π
The hardest thing is trusting that something wiser than you is already holding on.
That’s where I have to keep returning. And I’m guessing you have a place like that too — where the grip is tight and the knuckles are white. It might be your body, changing in ways the plan didn’t include. Your marriage, drifted somewhere unfamiliar. An adult child making choices you wouldn’t make. A purpose that keeps rerouting. An aging parent whose story is unfolding on its own terms.
The pattern is always the same — only the handlebars change.
Your head smarts want to control the outcome. Your heart smarts know how to focus on your goals without it. π¦
β¦ The Two Grips: Which One Is Running You?
There are really two ways to move through something hard — and the secret is knowing when to use each one.
Head smarts (intellect) push. They analyze, drive, and power things forward through sheer will. For certain things, they’re exactly the right tool. But they have a ceiling. Past that ceiling, you’re just clutching handlebars that aren’t connected to the pedals. π¬
Heart smarts (intuition) pull. They’re quieter — the GPS of the soul. You can feel it, hear it, see it, or just know it without knowing why. Where head smarts drive you forward, heart smarts draw you forward. It feels like surrender — not giving up, but trusting something wiser to take the wheel. π
Maybe you, like me, live in a world that runs on head smarts — and somewhere along the way you forgot the most powerful tool you have: heart smarts.
It's easy to default to your intellect out of comfort and forget that your heart is the most powerful force you have. Think about what you've done for the people you love. The things you thought you could never do, that you somehow did anyway. That's not intellect. That's heart.
Love is the strongest force there is. ππ
And love is exactly what keeps you focused on your goals when the outcome won't cooperate.
β¦ How to Focus on Your Goals Without White-Knuckling the Outcome
You don’t have to choose between caring deeply about something and releasing how it unfolds. Whether you’re trying to reconnect with your partner, make peace with your changing body, show up for an aging parent, rediscover a passion you’ve put on hold, or build something that’s taken longer than you planned — this applies to you.
Head smarts and heart smarts each have their own zone of genius. When they stop competing and start collaborating, something shifts. They merge into a third space — focus and flow — and that’s what moves you toward your desired goal with ease instead of force.
Here are two ways to find that “focus and flow” space:
QUIET THE MIND:
Heart smarts can’t get a word in when your head is running the show at full volume.
Whatever gets you out of your head and back into your body — breathe, write, pray, play. π€ΈπΏβοΈ
The answer you’ve been forcing is usually already there, waiting for you to get still enough to hear it.
OPEN YOUR HEART:
The fastest way into your heart is through stacking gratitude. Your head is already stacking everything that’s not here yet, everything that’s not going right, everything that’s taking too long. So give your heart a turn.
Gratitude Stacking: Place your hands on your heart and breathe. Then bring to mind someone or something — past, present, or future — that you’re incredibly grateful for. Let it land in your heart and breathe. Then stack another. And another. As you stack one on top of the other, watch how it becomes impossible to hold onto what’s not going right or taking too long. π
Here you can finally feel it, hear it, see it, or just know it — the answer that was there all along.
And from that place, focusing on your goals stops feeling like a death grip and starts feeling like a dance. I know this because I’m still learning it myself and probably will as long as I live. I’m human. π€£
It is so hard to stop pushing. And yet every time I do, I arrive somewhere my head could never have taken me.
My mom is still in her 90s, still in that facility, still living her story her way. Some days I hold it loosely. Some days my knuckles go white again. π
She’s the hero. I’m just here to love her.
And love — that’s the whole thing. It always is.
The head grip promises control. The heart grip delivers something far better: the right destination, in divine timing, with enough peace left over to actually enjoy it.
May you release your grip and let your heart lead. It already knows the way. π
xo,
Dr. Sue
P.S. Want to go deeper? Soulfull Membership is where women just like you come to loosen the grip and actually enjoy the journey — together. Join us here → β¨
P.P.S. Join me live — every Friday at 11:30 am Eastern on Substack. This week: Focus on Your Goals — and Finally Enjoy the Ride. See you there → π
